


They Discover Fanfiction

by using_this_name



Series: Crackity Crack [32]
Category: Supernatural, Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Cas is a Perv, Crack, Drabble, Fanfiction, Humor, M/M, Meta, Nipple Clamps, Pirates, So Very Meta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-24
Updated: 2013-05-24
Packaged: 2017-12-12 21:20:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/816178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/using_this_name/pseuds/using_this_name
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean tries to interest Sam in quality erotic literature.  Sam is unimpressed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Dean:**  I totally get why slashfans would like us.

 **Sam:**  Are you reading fanfic again? I told you, Dean, just because I like it in a fic doesn’t mean I actually want to wear nipple clamps.

 **Dean:**  Whatever. Cas said he looked in your head. And it was full of nipple clamps.

 **Sam:**  Cas said you were soul-bonded to get in your pants. Not the most reliable source.

 **Dean:**  Eh. Gabriel said so too.

 **Sam:**  He told us he was a pagan god! And gave me herpes! I wish I could give him herpes. Or that I still had tentacles. I would put all my tentacles up his little…

 **Dean:**  Sam. Focus. We are discussing quality erotic fiction, not tentacle porn. Some of it is surprisingly good literature. This writer is really good. She’s written like a hundred fics. I’ve only read a few, but so far they are awesome. Ooo. This one looks interesting…

 **Sam:**  Please don’t….

 **Dean:**   _‘Sam was surprisingly comfortable in a midnight blue mini skirt and sequinned sapphire corset…_ ’

 **Sam:**  …drag me down to your level. Really? Sequins? Why?

 **Dean:**  Shhhh! Listen!  _‘….Perhaps he would never have chosen them as an outfit, and they weren’t his typical graceless attire, but the skirt gave him plenty of freedom to move and the corset accentuated his already titillating curves…’_  See? She explains it!

 **Sam:**  *sighs* Can I get back to research now?

 **Dean:**  Just a minute. We’re just getting to the good bit:  _‘…Not to mention how Dean had reacted to the lip gloss and mascara…but Sam couldn’t think about that right now. The skirt was too petite to contain his swelling excitement. The only problem he had with the outfit, as he made his way towards the purportedly haunted drag club, was finding a place to hide his gun. The metal one.’_

 **Sam:**  Yeah, this is right up there with Proust. In that I don’t want to read any more of it. Also, is that supposed to make me want to wear a corset? Or lip gloss? ‘Cause no.

 **Dean:**  Eh. I think this writer gets you just right. Listen!  _‘…Stepping into the dimly lit club, which sparkled with gilded and glittering patrons, Sam looked around cautiously, taking in the garden full of strange and wonderful flowers. Among the lilies and violets surrounding him, Sam was a vibrant sunflower, bending under the weight of the perfumed air….’_

 **Sam:**  a ‘vibrant sunflower, bending under the weight of the perfumed air’? I may be sick.

 **Dean:**   _‘…He moved cautiously through the crowds, uncertain of his surroundings, and fearful for his virtue under the stares of the virile men who danced around him like so many hungry, sparkling vampires.’_

 **Sam:**  Was that a Twilight reference?!? Well, at least they’re suggesting that Twilight is full of queens…

 **Dean:**  Whatever you say, you ‘vibrant sunflower, bending under the weight of the perfumed air.’

 **Sam:**  Eugh. What does the writer have to say about you?

 **Dean:**  Well, let’s see…ah yes. ‘ _Dean looked out over the dance floor as he put in another CD. His black leather pants and vest were more ‘dungeon master’ than ‘disk jockey’, but the brilliant green eyeshadow made him fit seamlessly with the atmosphere of the club…’_

 **Sam:**  Ah. You like this because you get to be manly.

 **Dean:**  I like it because it is art!  _‘…He saw Sam approaching and his mouth watered at the delectable sight that was his brother’s naked thighs, straining against the tight fabric of his skirt, toned and accentuated by the stilettos Sam was expertly balanced on…’_

 **Sam:**  Yeah, it was part of Dad’s training schedule. Shooting range, obstacle course, walking in heels…

 **Dean:**   _‘…Someone approached him as he watched his brother make his way across the floor, and he glared at them, making them move quickly back towards the dance floor, intimidated by the unmistakable masculinity of Dean’s form. From across the room, Dean saw Sam’s eyes grow hungry at the display. Perhaps after the hunt was over, Dean would let his brother get his hands on Dean’s gigantic gift from god.’_

 **Sam:**  Thats not even real alliteration! And why does everyone think I’m a bottom and you are a toppy stud? I bet they think I have long hair so I can look more feminine. And that I have a tiny dick. Way to emasculate, fangirls.

 **Dean:**  Nah. I think it’s just this writer. The Sam girls come surprisingly close to your actual measurements. Of course, only crack fic would give you all eleven and a half inches.

 **Sam:**  Heh. I’ll give you all eleven and a half inches…

 **Dean:**  Aaand this is why I top.

 **Sam:**  Aw. Are you ‘intimidated by the unmistakeable masculinity of my form’?

 **Dean:**  You wish. Anyway, it seems like this author only has you as a bottom in the Sam/Dean fics. And most of them are pretty Cas-centric, and then you get to top him.

 **Sam:**  Anyone could top Cas. That’s like saying I could top Garth. 

 **Dean:**  Actually, I heard that Garth is a professional dom now. And anyway, this isn’t about whether you top or bottom. It’s about the fact that this is quality writing!

 **Sam:**  I doubt it. But if you insist on proving how good it is by giving dramatic readings, please do one of the Cas-centric ones. That sounds more fun.

 **Dean:**  There are a lot. Would you like me to give you some summaries?

 **Sam:**  *sighs* We may as well be thorough.


	2. Chapter 2

**Dean:**  Ok. There’s ‘ _Angel Sandwich_ ’. That’s a P-W-P.

 **Sam:**  What kind of sandwich is a P-W-P? Is it like…Pita with prunes? Pork with pickles?

 **Dean:**  Um, sure. If that’s a euphemism. Also, pita is for hippies. How about pumpernickel?

 **Sam:**  Whatever. Read the summary for that one: ‘ _Den of Iniquity_ ’.

 **Dean:**  ‘ _Sam and Dean find Castiel working at a brothel. Will they rescue him from this den of iniquity, or just take advantage of the goods he’s has to offer? Warnings: contains dub-con, bondage, and object penetration. And nipple clamps. A lot of nipple clamps._ ’

 **Sam:**  NO! DO ONE WITHOUT NIPPLE CLAMPS! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

 **Dean:**  Methinks thou doth…

 **Sam:**  Don’t finish that sentence. Anyway,  aren’t there any with, you know, fully dressed characters?

 **Dean:**  Well, this one is chaptered, so it probably has plot. Oh, but it’s a crossover with Glee.

 **Sam:**  No. Just no. 

 **Dean:**  Well, the next one looks more promising. It looks like it’s about Cas saving me from Hell.

 **Sam:**  What’s it called?

 **Dean:**  ‘ _Grip You Tight and Raise You_ ’. And it’s got an excerpt! Let’s see.  _‘Cas slipped beneath the table, guided unerringly to land between Dean’s hypnotising thighs. Dean’s hands were gentle as he gripped Cas’ head tight and brought him to mouth at his burgeoning erection. Cas could feel his own secret flesh raise in answer to the…’_

 **Sam:**  I think that one may just be porn too.

 **Dean:**  I’ll keep looking. Ah! Here’s a fic that says it doesn’t have sex in it.

 **Sam:**  I’ll believe that when I see it.

 **Dean:**  Okay. It’s called ‘ _Famine_ ’. Here’s the excerpt:  _‘I don’t know when it started, this need I felt. This base, human need. Perhaps I first felt it when I came to inhabit this feeble, all-too-human body with its visceral, human desires.  Perhaps it was when I first walked in on my human companions to see Dean, face the picture of contentment, eating his brother’s….’_

 **Sam:**  How is this not about sex?

 **Dean:**   _‘…hamburger, playfully teasing Sam around the dripping, greasy beef in his mouth.’_

 **Sam:**  Ah. Well, even if it’s not about sex, it’s in first person, and that’s even worse.  Plus, I’m pretty sure it’s a metaphor for sex.

 **Dean:**  What? It’s clearly about hamburgers!

 **Sam:**  Are the two very different to you?

 **Dean:**  Point.


	3. Chapter 3

**Dean:**  Here’s a good one. It says,  _’_ _This is a collection of conversations exploring the various tropes found throughout fandom.’_  It’s like, a bunch of little stories on different themes.

**Sam:**  So we can choose the theme. Cool. Maybe we’ll get something good.

**Dean:**  There’s one about pirates! I love pirates! Can we read that one?

**Sam:**  Sure. Just not aloud, please?

*they both read*

**Sam:**   _‘…you do know that ‘cockswain’ does not actually mean…’_

**Dean:**   _‘…you’re gonna owe me a good deck-swabbin’…’_

**Sam:**   _‘…Dread Pirate Dean, Captain of the Impala, Most Fearsome and Badass Ship on the Seven Seas…’_

**Both:**  I know this!

**Sam:**  We did this!

**Dean:**  Oh my god. A fangirl has been making us live…?

**Sam:**  …or probably just knows…

**Dean:**  …or maybe both. Or maybe it’s not a fangirl. Maybe it’s…

**Sam:**  GABRIEL! GET DOWN HERE!

**Gabriel:**  ’Sup?

**Sam:**  Have you been writing fan fiction?

**Gabriel:**  What? How did you know? Did you read the one with Amber Benson’s character turning into…?

**Dean:**  I think we’re more worried about what you made _us_  do.

**Gabriel:**  What? I don’t write about you. I’m mostly an Angel/Spike shipper. Y’know, tall broody man, shorter one with masculinity issues and too much product in his hair. It’s like you guys, but better!

**Sam:**  Hey! I’m plenty broody.

**Gabriel:**  Yeah, but David Boreanaz looks so much prettier doing it.

**Sam:**  I wish I still had my tentacles. Then we’d see who you liked better all broody and…

**Gabriel:**  Now, now. You’re much better than Angel at a lot of things. Like blow jobs, for instance. That man couldn’t suck a cock if it had on a perky blond wig and a sign saying ‘free redemption’.

**Dean:**  Wait. Did you say I’m short, have masculinity issues and use too much product in my hair?

**Sam:**  Yeah, but that’s true and now we’ve moved on to Angel’s sex life.

**Dean:**  Wait, wait, wait. Before we go too far we still need to figure out who wrote these weird script-style fics. Which, by the way, I agree are terrible. Not up to the standard of this writer’s other work at all.

**Gabriel:**  Well, it wasn’t me. What’s the username? Maybe I’ve heard of them.

**Dean:**  ‘using_this_name’

….

**Sam:**  well, in retrospect…

**Dean:**  I thought it was ironic, or trying to be funny and failing. Not an inability to set up an AO3 account.

**Gabriel:**  Mhmm. Why don’t you call down the little angel who could. Write porn, apparently.

**Dean:**  Cas!!

**Cas:**  Yeah?

**Dean:**  Did you write this?

**Cas:**  Yup! Isn’t it awesome! Have you gotten to the one with the were-halibut yet? That’s my favourite!

**Sam:**  No, but I did have to LIVE IT!

**Cas:**  Oh yeah. And you did an amazing job, let me tell you.

**Dean:**  That is not the point! You have to stop writing this stuff!

**Castiel:**  Fine! I’ve switched over to writing mostly Sterek by now anyway! They have way better hair than you guys ever will!

 

**Epilogue:**

**Cas:**  They don’t like my fic? Just for that, I’m gonna write a hurt/comfort fic. With lots and lots of hurt. For everyone who ever disliked my fic. Or wrote mean comments. Or left me off their rec lists! And! I’m gonna comfort them with my GIANT MAGICAL HEALING COCK! Take that, haters. Sterek would never do this to me. Sterek loves me. Don’t you, Sterek?

**Author's Note:**

> If you are interested in more frequent updates, I will be updating this series on tumblr daily at this point, and probably only weekly here. So! Follow me on tumblr, where I am going by using-this-name (with dashes instead of underscores).
> 
> I would also LOVE any prompts that you would like to send me on tumblr. Any pairing, or any trope. It may take some time for me to get to it, but I promise I will. I mean, I have an SPN Founders Fic coming up. So anything you send, I will at least try to fill. :)


End file.
